are you as big a fan of HGTV’s fixer upper as i am? for me, the love for it is expansive. it’s not only the completely and utterly amazing houses, but the real-ness of it….sure it’s still a show and i have yet to see a Gaines child throwing a tantrum or a harsh word said between Chip and Joanna (please, let there be at least a little of that so i can feel ok about myself)….but as far as reality tv goes, this is pretty great.
as if i couldn’t be any more smitten, a dear friend who knows my heart so so well sent this to me this morning along with some awfully sweet words…..
did you cry? i cried. i have struggled with finding my place and my purpose for so long….finding where the lines between work and family and mental health are drawn…..with really being still, listening and waiting when the answer is “no” or “not yet”.
in 2008 the most incredible opportunity to purchase a children’s clothing line came across my path. a business i could have done amazing things with. but a business that required money. and space. i had neither. i poured over the financials for this little baby trying to find a way to make it work. but i had a 2 year old and and new baby and i knew that in the end God was telling me, “not yet”. i was devastated to walk away….i think of that little business often and wonder what could have been but i know that God knew better. i still pouted a little.
then when i thought the timing was right i jumped in again and it felt good. accomplished. and then in a blink, it was gone. sorry, that’s vague but it’s all the detail you are going to get. i was completely broken. i threw my hands up and said, “fine God, i get it…i guess you just want me to a mom and that’s all”. i actually said that…”just a mom”. ouch. what an insult to moms.
like a stubborn teenager, God let me a stumble a couple more times before i got it. i finally came to a place of peace where i was ready to hand it over…..i soooo knew that God had a design for me but it wasn’t time to know so i sat. waited.
and then one day, 2 years ago i was sitting…and waiting…. in the Target parking lot and i heard “use the shop”. i am sorry but the what now? i was pondering how to help some friends sell some stuff they were making and that was the answer i got…”use the shop”. it was like a “build it and they will come” moment. ok, so i used the shop….but i call it a barn instead because it sounds a little less like a venue for selling machine parts and tools. two months later was hosting my first barn sale. to say i had no clue what i was doing was a slight understatement. but people actually came.
so then i had another one….and then a few more. we now have to have a staff….like an actual staff, a parking diagram and parking attendants with neon vests. it’s crazy to me what this has become 18 months and 5 sales later.
i have had some moments of panic, of insecurity and of “what in the world have i gotten into” and lots of, “you can’t do this”. but that’s the lie the devil wants to let me believe….because for whatever reason i know that this is what i am supposed to be doing right now, and the very place i am supposed to be doing it….and all these amazing people that i am supposed to be doing it with. i finally get that trusting God with my whole entire heart doesn’t mean that i don’t have to work for it but it does mean that i don’t have to worry about it and that my friends is the very sweetest truth you can walk in.